i would just like to add that i have lost almost any hope that i have ever had in myself.


to say that i ran into a wall today would be an understatement. i was sitting in my room, all alone, giving into my addiction again. when all was said and done, i was just sitting there and i felt like crap, and it was horrible. how can something that i've been justifying for so long make me feel this bad? seriously, i was breaking down into tears. i was a mess. i've finally realized that i need to get over this addiction. crapy thing is, i have another addiction that i'm still battling. i have no idea how to get myself out of either one of these holes, and i'm to afraid to ask anyone for help. don't get me wrong, i've thought about talking to people about my problems. i know i could always go to j.c. he's my brother, minus the blood bond, and he's always here for me. but he's working all the time. he's tired, and i need to let him rest. i thought about talking to s.k or c.k, but how on earth can i tell them? they're my preachers! they're there to help me, i know. i just can't. my mother is my youth pastor, and if she ever heard wind about my problems then i know she would never look at me the same. i can't talk to my dad about anything, nor do i want to. all he does is yell, get angry, and make excuses about everything. i'm not even talking to my sister. even if i was, i know better than to tell her anything. she'll tell the entire family and add in a few details of her own. i can always turn to my friends, because i know that i have a.m., but i don't know how i'd be able to fess up to her. i will never tell m.m. anything. love her to death, but she isn't good with talking to people about their problems. she always make them about her some how, some way. that's the last thing i need. e.p. would be more than willing to listen, but i don't wan't to bring her down with this. i doubt she'd understand what i'm going through. no, not in the way you're thinking. she knows everything about me, take my addictions out, but she would have no idea how to react. e.p. knows how to listen to people. i need to talk to someone and i need them to talk back. s.c. would give me what i need, and tell me to have faith in god. but i've lost my way. i'm wondering if i ever found my way, nowadays.

amy marie.

i honestly have no idea where i'm going. i've been running in the wrong direction for so long now i forgot how to slow down. i believe in god. i wish i could say that i am a christian, but i'm not going to lie. i'm not there yet. but, no need to get into that anymore. i've learned that a lot of people are in the gutter, and you just have to look up and climb your way out.i live my life the only ways i know how. please don't judge me, because you have no right. i never promised you a ray of light nor did i promise there'd be sunshine everyday. i'll give you everything I have- the good, the bad. i always said that I would make mistakes. i'm only human, and that's my saving grace. i fall as hard as i try, so don't be blinded see me as I really am. i have flaws and sometimes I even sin. so pull me from that pedestal, i don't belong there. why you think that you know me? i know that in your eyes i am something above you. it's only in your mind wear a halo

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fiction is fact | we are defiance | select start

December 2009 February 2010


The creator of this blogskin is electrostatique aka darkdegree. His personal website is at misterdeejay. His twitter, myspace and youtube accounts are as such. He hopes you would support the charitable cause and purchase the charity album buy | listen.